A Story of Dementia and Unfailing Love

We can learn a lot from stories about living with Alzheimer’s and dementia. We can learn how to help slow the onset and development of dementia; we can learn ways to “hack” our daily lives to successfully cope with the disease; and we can find support from others who empathize. It’s an area where research promises plenty, and we’re broadening our understanding by leaps and bounds. We’re learning to understand dementia in new ways all the time. But there’s another thing we can learn from these stories, and it’s a lesson we all need to be reminded of from time to time — love can, and does, conquer all.

Credit: Becky Gacono/facebook.com

The Gacono Family’s Experience with Dementia

Meet Mary Jane and Carl Gacono, a couple in Annville, Pennsylvania, who’ve been happily married for almost 70 years — for the last 10 of which, Mary Jane has suffered from dementia. Mary Jane and Carl met when he hit her in the face with a snowball. And if that seems like a scene from a movie, well, that’s just the beginning of something truly special.

Always pillars of their community, the Gaconos turned the family business over to their daughters in 1995 and focused their time and energies into community projects and volunteering. As they always had been, they were two living and acting as one. This is real “Bogart and Bacall” romance.

As lives tend to do, theirs changed forever when Mary Jane developed dementia. Carl and Mary Jane continued to live at home, and, unbeknownst to even their daughters, Carl became an ideal and energetic caregiver whose love is the foundation of their daily lives together.

A Husband’s Unfailing Love and Dedication

The real magnitude of the Gaconos’ love surfaced one morning when Carl had to leave Mary Jane for a doctor’s appointment. Their daughter, Becky, had come over to care for Mary Jane for the day. As Carl briefed her about his routine for Mary Jane, Becky came to understand just how much her father had dedicated his life to returning the love and support he’d been given since their marriage in 1950.

Credit:Becky Gacono/facebook.com

One of the most important ways Carl supports Mary Jane is by providing a daily routine. Everything is as routine as possible in the Gaconos’ home, and especially important is Mary Jane’s morning. After helping Mary Jane get up, go to the bathroom and bathe, Carl helps her dress in clothes and, most importantly, the jewelry he’s already laid out for her.

Carl says Mary Jane’s jewelry has always been special to her, and by wearing the same jewelry every day she’s able to avoid some confusion and have better days. He uses a system — two earrings, two necklaces, and two bracelets on each wrist. In an interview with ABC, Carl explained how it works: “I always tell her she has two earrings, she has two necklaces, and she has a watch and a separate bracelet on there. So I say she has ‘two, two, and two,'” he explained. “Tomorrow she might say, ‘Where’s my third necklace?’ And I would say to her,  ‘it’s two, two, two. Remember?'”

The Gaconos have also learned that the value of laughter as a salve cannot be overstated. Becky told People Magazine that even though her mother’s dementia is advanced, she still loves to laugh. “We just noticed that, if we were happy, she was happier,” Becky said. “She actually feels better when we’re enjoying each other — she doesn’t know us by name anymore, and that’s OK. But she does know that we’re people she loves and that’s enough for all of us.”

Credit: Becky Gacono/facebook.com

Perhaps the most important part of this story is the unflagging dedication Carl and Mary Jane have shown to each other throughout their lives. It’s difficult to say it any better than Carl said it himself when speaking with ABC: “I wouldn’t trade the experience I’ve had taking care of my wife, OK. I’d like to think she wouldn’t trade the experience of having [and] taking care of me,” he reasoned. “We’ve had a great relationship. We’ve known each other for 70 years. We’ve been married for 67. I’d marry her for another 67 tomorrow.”

For the whole story as told by Becky Gacono, check out her Facebook page “Mom’s Dementia.”