“By the Time You Read This, I’ll Be Dead” by Julie Anne Peters

I wish I could tell my parents, “If you want to help me, help  me die.”

Have you ever felt less beautiful than your peers?

Have you ever been bullied?

Have you ever felt completely alone with your troubles?

Have you ever…

tried to end your own life?

Daelyn has. She’s the main character of Julie Anne Peters‘ YA novel By the Time You Read This, I’ll Be Dead. Our peek into Daelyn’s troubled life begins when she makes a promise and sets a date to commit suicide. After a lifetime of loneliness and bullying at school, the teenage girl has attempted to take her life before, leaving herself mutilated and unable to speak, distant and feeling more like a “freak” than ever amongst her peers.

The main character’s inability to partake in the dialogue lends the novel an eerie feeling from the start. We’re taken deep inside her head and see the world from her guarded, cynical, desperate, and quite unreliable point-of-view. Peters addresses suicide in an alarmingly-pointed way in the story, sending Daelyn to a fictitious website called Through the Light to set her “date of determination” and discuss suicide methods in chat rooms. (Before you start searching, here’s the link: through-the-light.com, which leads to a discussion guide and list of resources related to suicide.)

Proponents of the novel appreciate Peters’ poignant way of addressing the complex topics of bullying and suicide. Critics find it disturbing and morbid, wondering at the details offered for various methods of suicide and the romanticism of the whole thing.

The entire topic is complex, and I can’t quite decide which camp I fall into. As a writer, I can’t deny its literary merit. The story is deeply moving and troubling. That it continues to be the topic of debate concerning teens and bullying and suicide speaks to the powerful way in which it addressed the issues. As a writer on end-of-life issues, I commend the author for sparking the conversation about suicide (or “bullycide“, a term coined for suicide provoked by bullying).

As a reader, I had trouble getting through this story. I could overlook what some thought to be “morbid”, because simply discussing pain, suicide, or death is not morbid. It’s real and honest. What’s difficult to accept is the unreliable narrator. Peters does such a fantastic job of conveying the misguided, cynical, torn mind of a troubled teenager that I, the reader, found myself at odds: I wanted to argue the flaws in the girl’s twisted view of the world at the same time I pitied her for all the pain it caused her.

Often in a story about suicide or death, a ray of hope runs through the entire narrative, and we are rooting for the main character to “snap out of” her gloom and see the brighter side to life. I desperately wanted to root for Daelyn, because the pain of a girl so beaten by life is difficult to witness. But Peters makes this difficult to do, regularly reminding us of Daelyn’s commitment to her plan as the chapters count down the days to her “date of determination”.

How can we have hope for a character who has no hope for herself?

This, I think, is what lands this book square in the spotlight of controversy over the sick lit genre for teens. Daelyn’s experience is not sugar-coated. There’s no Everything’s gonna be alright message to go out on. The reader, in fact, is left wondering whether Daelyn committed the final act or not. This is no PSA. Peters honestly portrays the messiness and uncertainty of the issues — and that will always leave some feeling just a bit uncomfortable.

I’ll certainly call this a recommended read for anyone, as it opens the door for a wider conversation on death, depression, suicide, and teen bullying. The issues can’t be swept under the rug or viewed through rose-colored glasses. They are dark, painful, and gritty — and they are a reality in many lives. A great read for teens and adults alike, though I recommend reading for teenagers be accompanied by an open discussion with adults (parents, teachers, librarians) about the issues introduced in the novel. A discussion guide and list of resources follows the story to help you along.

Read more about sick lit and our review of another novel in the genre, ‘The Fault in Our Stars‘ by John Green.