How Can You Recover Emotionally After Causing Accidental Death or Injury?

Maryann Gray
Credit: losangeleswalks.org

Welcome back to Part Two of SevenPonds’s interview with Maryann Gray. Maryann is a social psychologist and educator. She is also what she calls a CADI (Causing Accidental Death or Injury). In 1977, when she was 22 years old, an eight-year-old boy darted out in front of her car and was killed. Maryann runs a website, accidentalimpacts.org as a resource for other CADIs. 

Ellary Allis: Have you thought about writing a book or anything?

Maryann Gray: I actually have a book outlined. I’m not sure if I’ll sell it to a publisher or just sell it through my website eventually. I also give lectures to various audiences. In two weeks I’m going to talk to the mayor’s crisis response team, who go out to the scene of accidents to provide emotional support, and I do try to do as much media as I can. So I do try and get the word out about causing accidental death or injury as much as I can.

Ellary: Have you connected with any individuals in particular through your website? I imagine you get a lot of emails.

Maryann: I do. The website allows people to contact me privately, and comment to the site. Over the years I’ve heard from hundreds of people who have caused accidental death or injury, mostly in car crashes but also in gun accidents and healthcare-related mistakes, and freak accidents around the house — all kinds of situations.

Maryann Gray in 1975
bbc.co.uk

Ellary: What are some of the ways that you’ve addressed your own PTSD?

Maryann: By the time I was seriously engaging in therapy, most of my PTSD symptoms had resolved over time. When I really needed help, there wasn’t really help available. But over the years, I’ve had a lot of talk therapy, going through the accident and what it means, working through the narrative I’d told myself about it and talking about how I want to respond to it. Creating the website about causing accidental death or injury was a huge part of my own healing.

I think ultimately all we can do is honor the victim, the person we’ve killed, through choices about how we live our own lives. What else can we do? So I encourage people who contact me to think about how they want to do that. Do they want to do service or advocacy? Do they want to do something creative, like poetry or music? Do they want to deepen their own spirituality? Improve their education? Do they want to commit themselves to deepening their empathy or character in whatever way that’s meaningful to them? I encourage them to do that as a way of honoring their victim and giving back to their community. I think that’s essential to healing.

People also need help managing the symptoms of PTSD, for sure, and there’s a lot of treatment options available out there these days. I also think the issue of accountability, responsibility and morality is something that has to be wrestled with. It’s really important to understand what we can’t control, what we can control, what it means to be responsible. I was not culpable for Brian’s death, but I was responsible — I was the active agent in his death. For many years I figured that made me a terrible person. Then slowly, I became able to say “I can choose the person I want to be. It doesn’t help to make me another victim and live a smaller life as a result of the accident.” So I had to figure out how I can live my life in a way that honors Brian and his family. For me, it was reaching out to help other people in a similar situation.

Ellary: You contacted Brian’s brother in recent years. What provoked you to contact him and what was that experience like?

Maryann: I had thought many times about reaching out to his family, and for various reasons had not done so. A little over 10 years ago, I just had this urge that it was time to reach out. I wrote a letter to Brian’s mother, telling her I think about Brian every day — which I do — and that he lives in my heart as I know he lives in her heart too. It turned out that she had recently passed away, but the letter was forwarded to Brian’s older brother.  He called me and we talked for a long time and it turned out to be a very healing conversation. I don’t feel comfortable talking for him, but I think we both found a measure of acceptance. 

Maryann Gray
accidentalimpacts.org

Also, we are the people that still grieve for this child, and will always grieve for this child. In a funny way, that’s a bond. I’ve talked to him a few times after that conversation, mostly connected to media that I’ve done, and he’s unbelievably generous and kind. I’m very appreciative. He’s a pretty remarkable guy. 

People ask me all the time about contacting their victim’s family. Lawyers will advise people who have caused accidental death or injury to refrain from contacting the victim or the victim’s family because anything you say can be used against you. But many people in positions like mine really want to reach out and show caring and concern. I tell them that the victim and the victim’s family don’t owe the perpetrator anything. If they want to hate the perpetrator, that’s their right. They’ve got to go through their healing process. So I tell people, “If you’re asking for something, if you want the family to exonerate you or offer some sort of redemption, don’t contact them.” 

I don’t think we should be asking our victims to forgive us. That’s something they can choose to give or not. If the perpetrator is able to reach out from the heart with a heartfelt message of compassion without needing anything in return, however, then that can be very powerful.

Ellary: Do you have anything else you’d like to say before we finish up?

Maryann: In general, my message is about compassion. Good people can make terrible mistakes. We don’t have to excuse them. I believe in holding people accountable, but I don’t think we have to ostracize them or hate them or decide they’re terrible people. We can relate to them with kindness and compassion. Causing accidental death or injury creates a lot of trauma for perpetrators as well. These are people who are really suffering.  

Ellary: And what is your message for people who may have accidentally killed someone?

Maryann: I always refer people to psychotherapy. I think therapy is extremely important. Beyond that, I would say that this does not have to define you. You can choose what this will mean in your life, and you can find a level of peace with yourself and a sense of belonging. It may feel impossible at the moment when you’re suffering, but it is possible.

Ellary: Thank you so much for sharing all of this and talking about it the way that you have. I’m sure there are so many people who are so appreciative of it. Thank you for talking to SevenPonds!

If you missed Part One of our interview the Maryann Gray please catch up here.