Writing the Perfect Holiday Card for Someone Who is Grieving

According to Hallmark, “Christmas is the largest card-sending holiday in the United States with approximately 1.3 billion cards sent annually.” In conjunction with the massive amount of cards mailed, Psychology Today reports, “35 percent of individuals don’t look forward to the holidays because of the loss of a loved one.” Each year, perhaps almost half a million holiday cards land in mailboxes of people who may be in deep grief.

In an effort to love on our friends and family who are mourning this holiday season, SevenPonds has interviewed several experts in grief. We asked what should we write in a holiday card to someone who is grieving and missing someone this year. The advice ranges from specific words to use in the cards to gifts for grieving family members to a reminder not to forget young children or those who’ve recently lost a beloved pet.

Lean into Rituals

Joanne Cacciatore, Ph.D., is a bereaved mother and the founder of the MISS Foundation, an international NGO that serves families whose children have died, and the Selah Carefarm, a sustainable restorative community that provides aid to anyone suffering traumatic grief. Cacciatore explains, “Often, those mourning the catastrophic death of a loved one, like bereaved parents or siblings, suffer in silence during the holidays, trying very hard to put on a ‘game face’ or what I like to call the mask of the happiness-cult. Yet, for some mourners, this forced inauthenticity may exacerbate their already fragile emotional state, making them feel disconnected from family, friends and other loved ones during the holidays. It can also create an environment where we disconnect from our own true feelings in an attempt to suppress our own justifiable sadness.”

Cacciatore suggests that “Rituals are often very helpful, especially new ones. A few ideas, for example, include setting an empty chair at the table to honor them, lighting a candle and having a moment of silence at the beginning of the holiday meal, asking each person to tell their favorite memory, or a craft-making project where family and friends make a memento, a project such as an ornament in their memory. This not only gives others permission to share their feelings but also brings people together through active remembering.”

You can take part in the new rituals by writing something about it in the holiday card. You may mention the empty chair at the table this year, or how you intend to light a candle for their loved one. You might also share your favorite memory of the person who has died. Funny, heart-warming memories are generally best.

For more ideas for what to write in a card for a grieving friend,  check out Cacciatore’s book, “Grieving Is Loving: Compassionate Words for Bearing the Unbearable”.

What to Say, and What Not to Say

Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, has worked as a death educator and grief counselor for decades. His books have sold over a million copies worldwide, and he is the one of the leading voices in grief care in the U.S. Wolfelt wants to “emphasize how meaningful it is for mourners to have the opportunity to savor your personal written thoughts. Face-to-face conversations and hugs are essential, but written words have the advantage of being keepsakes, available to be read and reread over and over again in the weeks, months, and even years to come.”

Wolfelt also encourages friends to “never underestimate the power of a long letter in which you share memories and personal anecdotes. As long as you keep in mind the guidance about what to say and what not to say, an extended note of love and support is a generous, lasting gift of empathy and condolence.”

Some of the guidance Wolfelt refers to regards what not to say in holiday cards. These items include explaining your own grief concerning the deceased. Don’t make the outreach about yourself. Instead, focus on the recipient’s pain. In his book, Sympathy and Condolences, Wolfelt recommends not telling the addressee that you “know how they feel” and to avoid harmful platitudes, such as “they’re in a better place,” or “everything happens for a reason,” or “time heals all wounds.” These trite statements are not helpful to someone who is hurting. Just share a sincere note of empathy, a lovely memory, or remind them you are there to listen or to help.

Someone Is Missing This Year

Kenneth Doka, Ph.D., Senior Vice-President for Grief Programs for the Hospice Foundation of America, has written prolifically on a wide range of topics related to grief and end-of-life circumstances. He encourages friends and family members to maintain contact with those who are grieving. Though you may think of a mourning friend when going down your holiday card list, don’t let this be the last time you contact them for a while. Instead, let your holiday card bring them back to your memory, and make a sincere effort to reach out to them consistently in the new year. 

Instead of writing something like, “If you ever need anything…” Doka suggests friends offer very specific favors they can do for their grieving friends. Perhaps offer to go grocery shopping, help your friend wrap presents, or bring over a meal. Many times, grieving families are flooded with meals and gifts of remembrances in the week or two after a death. However, within a month, the calls and texts become more infrequent, and people assume their lives have returned to some semblance of normal since theirs have. Doka encourages people to take time this holiday season to remember, there is an absence in their friends’ lives that wasn’t there last year. Doka’s book, “Grief is a Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss,” is considered a seminal text on grief and may help us understand the pain of losing someone. 

Join Them in the Missing

Phyllis Kosminsky, Ph.D., is a clinical social worker specializing in grief, loss and trauma. She is an Adjunct Professor of Social Work at Fordham University, past President of the Association for Death Education and Counseling, and a member of the International Working Group on Death, Dying and Bereavement. Kosminsky emphasizes how those who are grieving often feel like the holidays are a time of immense cheer and celebration, but they’re not able to participate. Those in mourning may feel frozen in a world that isn’t made for light-hearted merriment. People enjoying themselves, sharing memories and relishing in traditions feels foreign, and sometimes disrespectful to the pain of their loss.

Instead of expecting those who are grieving to take part in the seasonal glee, Kosminksy encourages friends to “join them in the missing.” So much of her advice to friends concerns what not to say. Kosminsky reminds us it’s not our place to pressure our grieving friends into participating if they’re not ready. We can be there with them in the pain, in the grief. The holiday card is a nice way to remind your friends that you are thinking of them, you want to see them this season, and acknowledge this is a hard time but you’re not put off by their pain. You’re able to be there for them and with them during this time.

Taking a moment away from your celebration to remember someone is missing from your friend’s life this year may be a precious gift. Though words can be the most important thing to give, they are often the most difficult to choose. Kosminsky wants to give people permission to include a poem, prayer, or other lovely writing that is appropriate in the card. Perhaps there is a passage from a book or poem you’ve read that will offer comfort — you can include that in the card by writing it on a slip of paper, printing it, or directly writing it on the card itself. Leaning on the masters and poets is allowed.

Finally, Kosminsky reminds us to speak the lost loved one’s name. Join your friend in the missing by writing a memory in the card about a past holiday with their loved one. Write their name in the card. She speaks of two deaths: the physical death of the loved one and the second death when no one speaks their name any longer. She encourages friends to keep their name and memory alive by not being afraid to talk about them. The world is missing a very important person for our friend, and we can meet them in their loss.

If you would like more helpful advice on comforting a grieving friend or loved one, try Kominsky’s book, “Getting Back to Life When Grief Won’t Heal.”

Don’t Forget the Children

Linda Goldman has a Fellow in Thanantology: Death, Dying, and Bereavement with an masters degree in counseling and master’s equivalency in early childhood education. Goldman is a licensed clinical professional counselor and a national certified counselor. She’s been working with grieving children for decades and her text, “Life and Loss: A Guide to Helping Grieving Children” is used across the country in preparing to walk children through great loss.

Goldman brings to our remembrance that children are often overlooked when it comes to grief. And the holidays can be especially hard for children who may be missing a grandparent or other family member or friend during a time when their other friends are focused on presents and cozy traditions. Children may want to still celebrate the holidays when adults may rather skip them.

To help the children who are suffering a loss, we can look for ways to invite the missing person into the season. If you have an old photo of the lost loved one, have a copy made and share it in the card to the family. The children will love seeing their loved one in a picture they’ve not seen before. Better yet, be sure to address a card to the child. Children love getting mail. Giving them a linking object, something of their loved one’s, no matter how small or trivial, may make it a prized possession. They just want to keep their loved one near.

Goldman also suggests purchasing a gift for the child or tucking some money in the card addressed to them and say it’s from their lost family member. She says giving a gift in the loved one’s honor is a wonderful way to remind children how much their family member loved them. Giving them a memorable object or the money to purchase something to be a touchstone for their loved one may greatly comfort them this season.

Depending on the way the person died, children may have fears related to the death that need to be addressed. Goldman shared how a family member died in a car accident, so the child wrote a letter to her father because she was very worried that he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt. She asked her father to reply to her letter, circling “Yes” or “No” in response to if he’ll wear his seatbelt. He wrote her a response, saying he would always wear a seatbelt and gave her the letter as a gift.

Goldman also wants to remind us that the recent loss of a pet may be keenly felt at the holidays. She shares a story of a recent high school grad who lost her beloved dog. When she returned home for Christmas, her family had a pillow made from the fabric of the dog’s bed. As our pets almost always die before their human family members, many families may be grieving the death of their family pet this holiday season. So don’t forget these losses, too.

Navigating the holidays can be stressful, regardless of where a person is in their grief journey. Sending holiday cards to a friend who is grieving may add an extra layer of concern as you write the card. If you take a bit of extra time, your card may be just what they need — a warm memory, an offer of a favor, or just an acknowledgement that this is a difficult time for them. The key is to communicate your love and support and let your friend know you haven’t forgotten them this season. It may be a time for joy and celebration, but you’re not too busy to remember their loss.