A Glimpse into Contemporary Iranian Passing
As an Iranian-American, I spent the first five years of my life in Tehran before moving permanently to the US. I have experienced both the traditional Islamic Iranian funeral in Iran and the contemporary ceremony in America. Despite the fact that both ceremonies are rooted in the same culture, my perception of each was completely different from the other. I’d like to give you a look into the loving culture of Iran and a few of the lasting traditions that are practiced when honoring the passing of a loved one.
Red Flowers of Remembrance
About ten years ago, I experienced the tragic passing of my dear uncle, who was very close to me and my family. It was imperative to my family and me that we honored his passing with traditions that felt right to us. I remember the room being filled with beautiful flowers of various colors. Traditionally, rose water is sprinkled around. We had rose water sprinkled around a picture of my uncle, which was then surrounded by tasteful floral arrangements and placed in the front of the room.
Our guests at the memorial were served dinner, followed by tea, fruits, and halvah (a dessert made of dates). It is customary that guests who are closest to the person who died wear all black attire to the ceremony. Immediate family members wear black for up to 40 days. Small prayer books (Quran) are supplied to guests to read and participate in certain relevant verses. Traditionally, Allah is praised and worshiped throughout the ceremony. One of the most common prayers is see-pareh (30 pieces) and it contains verses from Quran relevant to the occasion and specific to the end-of-life process. Since my family is much more cultural in their practices than religious, this segment of the ceremony was substituted with music and remembrance of his life through the sharing of memories, rather than prayer.
Persian Classical Music is an essential part of both our culture and many of our contemporary Iranian ceremonies. Many families play well-known classical repertoire by artists such as Dariush or Vigen, which is often in minor. For his ceremony, we had a selection of his favorite pieces by one of his favorite artists, Daruish. In addition, I performed Mara Beboos by Vigen on my violin.
At most Iranian memorial services, a mullah is present and speaks on behalf of the family of the person who died; however, their presence is not obligatory for modern Iranians. In our case, the voices of family members and friends served as an alternative to that tradition. This is a new tradition among many modern Iranians who prefer to have friends and relatives talk about and remember the beloved. The memorial, which is known as ‘Khatm,’ usually lasts for a couple of hours. Relatives and close friends will stay with the immediate family for several hours after the memorial is over. It is a time of closeness, remembrance, and unity. In my perspective, the loving Iranian culture is truly portrayed during these difficult times and loved ones are brought closer together through the experience. Today, one of my most soothing memories of my uncle is the beautiful ceremony that we had in his honor.
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Hedieh.
I liked your piece about your uncle, and the traditions held by Iranians in the U.S. I would however liked to have known more about your uncle. What made him special beyond the blood relation? What emotions passed through you as you saw his demise, and lastly, what fond memories will you hold near and dear to your heart of him? That way, your piece becomes much more than a comparison for the reader to what is celebrated in Iran, and by Iranian ex-pats, and it will allow your audience to connect with you, the writer on a much deeper and emotional level.
Looking forward to your next piece!
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This is very interesting insight into a subject we rarely talk about. I appreciate understanding how the Iranian culture deals with something we all have to and I appreciate that you have shared your personal story. Keep up the good work and I hope to see more from you.
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Thank you! I will be attending a funeral of a close friends father. I noticed the family all in black and made me curious about etiquette and what to expect.
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Thank you for this information. I am attending a memorial for a co-worker’s spouse and wasn’t sure if I should come with any traditional fruits or gifts.
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I am happy to hear our post was helpful! This is one of the reasons we have a column Cultural Perspectives.
Suzette
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Honestly I’ve attended a couple dozen Persian funerals and there’s so much you have left out. Also, halva is not made of dates. However dates are also served at the ceremonies. You completely left out the 3rd night, and 7th night, and all the ugly screaming immediate families do while mourning. I’m glad you guys had a more peaceful and nice memorial, but that’s so rare. It’s very ugly in reality.
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Hi Masha,
Antal is no longer with SevenPonds, so I’m responding on his behalf. Unfortunately I have no experience with Persian funeral customs so I can’t speak directly to what you said. But I do know that funerals can vary greatly depending on a family’s values and beliefs. It appears that Antal’s family may have held a more secular and less traditional funeral for his uncle than those you’ve attended.
With that said, I appreciate your sharing your thoughts and you’re experiences. And you are correct…I looked up halva online and it appears it is not made from dates! Thanks for clearing that up.
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In the USA we bury our beloved ones in a casket; I understand in Iran they wrap the body in a white sheet for the burial.
Sorry for the curiosity but, Are the bodies of deceased Iranians buried in a casket in the USA? Or, how?
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What if an American whit marries a persian and leaves the persian a widow. Does she follow the rule of his country or hers? Does she bury him as a Persian or an American?
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