Finding Honest Connection in the Face of Grief

Join SevenPonds each month as Tani Bahti, RN, CT, CHPN, offers practical on-hand guidance to demystify the dying process. As an RN since 1976, Tani has been working to empower families and healthcare professionals to have the best end-of-life experience possible both through education and the development of helpful tools and resources. As the current Director of Pathways, Tani is also the author of “Dying to Know, Straight Talk About Death and Dying,” considered by SevenPonds to be one of the most practical books on the topic. Founder Suzette Sherman says this is, “the book I will have at the bedside of my dying parents some day, hopefully a very long time from now.”

“If you are going to cry, don’t visit him.”

“Be strong and suck it in! Otherwise it will upset everyone.”

I was raised to be strong and silent. The outward expression of grief was as foreign as it was frightening to me. So what did I do with the pain when my father died? Was I really supposed to put on a mask to hide the pain, to quietly accept it and move forward as though nothing in my life was different?

The families I served as a hospice nurse became my best teachers about the value of opening the heart to this experience and sharing the pain of grief.

Stan, now bedridden, was adored by his family and friends. They visited him daily in his bedroom to share stories and laughter. Only when they joined each other in the living room did they fall into each others’ arms in tears because the man they treasured was in his final days.

When the hospice nurse arrived for her regular visit, Stan angrily exclaimed,  “No one cares that I am dying!” Having observed the contrary in his friends and family when they were out of his sight, she asked why he would say that. He sighed, “Because no one has shed a single tear.”

Many of us have never learned to grieve openly. We were taught to hold it in, be strong and not burden anyone else with our grief — and most certainly not the person who is dying. In our attempt to stuff our emotions to make everyone comfortable, we lose our chance to be authentic about our feelings and to share our grief.

“We don’t want to upset them by crying!’ is the frequent admonition. In the end, will we be more upset that we did not reveal our hearts and share this time and feelings more intimately? Do we really believe that we can spare people the pain of loss by instructing them to be strong and not cry and asking them to pretend there is not a momentous event looming? Do we ask people to hold in their grief so it does not trigger our own by nudging us into the uncharted and uncomfortable territory of our tears?

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.”  — Washington Irving

Facing death and the accompanying emotions can feel like being on a roller coaster. The ups and downs can include anger, sadness, gratitude, frustration, despair, guilt and appreciation. Masking our feelings, both positive and negative, does not erase them. When facing the end of life, the tragedy is that hiding our feelings behind a mask creates a barrier to authentic and heartfelt communication.

That said, not everyone is comfortable with expressing grief. I’m not suggesting there is only one way because that would be disrespectful to personal family and cultural traditions. I am saying that the opportunity to share your heart may have the impact of a heart shared in return. That is the memory many of us wish for — to give love and know we are loved in return.

“The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”  — Harriet Beecher Stowe

Your call to action when someone you love is dying:

Put down the mask to fearlessly and authentically show your love. You will not have another chance.

Take a look at a copy of Tani’s book “Dying to Know- Straight talk about Death and Dying” to help demystify the process and offer words of wisdom on the many aspects of dying.