Finding Peace When a Loved One Is Dying

Join SevenPonds each month as Tani Bahti, RN, CT, CHPN, offers practical on-hand guidance to demystify the dying process. As an RN since 1976, Tani has been working to empower families and healthcare professionals to have the best end-of-life experience possible both through education and the development of helpful tools and resources. As the current Director of Pathways, Tani is also the author of “Dying to Know, Straight Talk About Death and Dying,” considered by SevenPonds to be one of the most practical books on the topic. Founder Suzette Sherman says this is, “the book I will have at the bedside of my dying parents some day, hopefully a very long time from now.”

The family stood around the bedside, wringing their hands, tearfully affirming that the suffering of their loved one needed to end soon. They were witnessing the final hours of the 84-year-old gentleman, who was a respected father of four, successful businessman and community volunteer.  As his physical abilities declined daily over the past 2 weeks, it pained them to now see him bedbound.

 

“We hate to see him suffer so!” was their cry.

I looked at the man’s face, which appeared serene in his coma. His body showed no signs of discomfort. He was receiving excellent care by the family and caregivers, so I had to wonder, “Who is really suffering here?”

In this not uncommon scenario, I think it’s the family who is suffering. They are experiencing the imminent loss of a beloved family member — the memory of his vitality and humor and his participation in the everyday tasks, which he did with joy.

What they didn’t see is that even in these final hours, he was still contributing to their lives, his ultimate value undeterred. He reflected grace in accepting care when he could no longer bathe or get up by himself. He reflected acceptance of the inevitable and made sure his affairs were in order. He provided loving closure by telling everyone what they meant to him. He was surrounded by the caring family he helped raise and who would carry forth his legacy in their own way.

He was completing his life in his own bed, in the home he built with such pride and care 45 years earlier. He let go of his identity of being the “doer” and embraced his true identity –the essence of who he is and has always been. That aspect does not change with illness and increasing debility.

Was he suffering because his essence was all that remained?

When we ascribe a person’s value to what they do and project our own fear of becoming increasingly dependent on others, we can project suffering. It makes us uncomfortable. We want our discomfort to be over.

There are those who never let down the mask or belief that their value is measured by what they do. There are those who die regretting the things they did not do or say. There are those that only ascribe value to themselves for what they can do for others. When they no longer have the ability to do, it is indeed painful if they believe they have lost value as a person.

In dying, our external identities are stripped away.

Our essence remains.

I don’t see suffering. I only see the beauty of a life well-lived.

Take a look at a copy of Tani’s book “Dying to Know — Straight talk about Death and Dying” to help demystify the process and offer words of wisdom on the many aspects of dying.