Twenty Humorous Quotes About Funerals and Cemeteries

While death is typically associated with sadness and mourning, humor provides a unique perspective that allows us to approach the topic with a lighter step and gain a fresh understanding of our connection to mortality. Through the lens of laughter, we can unveil new dimensions of our relationship with death, fostering a fresh perspective that transcends the shadows of sorrow. Here are 20 quotes centered around funerals and cemeteries, each designed to infuse a touch of lightheartedness into subjects often enveloped in solemnity.

1. “When I die, I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin.”

– J.P. Donleavy

 

2. “I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor. On the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, ‘Thank you. Please come again.’”

– Unknown

3.“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”

– Mark Twain

4.“If any of you cry at my funeral, I’ll never speak to you again!”

– Stan Laurel

5.“I hate funerals and would not attend my own if it could be avoided.”

– Robert T. Morris

6. “We don’t understand death. And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow. I mean hey … I think if you can’t stretch out and get some solid rest at that point … I don’t see how bedding accessories really make the difference.”

– Jerry Seinfeld

7. Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because everyone’s dying to get in!

– Anonymous

8. “Why is it that we rejoice at birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.”

– Mark Twain

9. “My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”

– Ed Furgol

10.“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

– Jerry Seinfeld

11. “Old people at weddings always poke me and said ‘you’re next.’ So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.”

– Anonymous

12. “If you had no idea what to get her for Valentine’s Day … Imagine how overwhelming arranging her funeral would be.”

– Anonymous

13. “A grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.”

– Ambrose Bierce

14. “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”

– Yogi Berra

15. “A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and chasing women — all at the same time. It was a lovely funeral.”

– Unknown

16. “I did not attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

– Mark Twain / Ebenezer Rockwood Hoar

17. “When I die, will someone please go to my funeral dressed like the Grim Reaper? You don’t say anything, just stand there…”

– Unknown

18. “My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day.”

– Joan Rivers

19. “They say such nice things about people at their funerals. It makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.”

— Garrison Keillor

20. “My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?”

— Margaret Smith