My Mother, Your Mother by Dennis McCullough, M.D.

My mother always told me, “When I get old, put me on an iceberg and leave me for the polar bears.”  I never once took her advice seriously, but after reading Dr. McCullough’s book, I’m starting to reconsider.  All joking aside, losing one’s mother is one of the greatest human fears.  Growing up, we never seem to think very deeply that our greatest provider of love and care might need our help someday.  This harsh reality serves as the foundation for Dr. McCullough’s book, which tackles the steps one might take throughout a beloved parent’s slow decline.

Walking us through the eight “stations” of an elderly person’s final years, Dr. McCullough tries to map out the process as simply and painlessly as possible for the caregiver.  He tries to give the reader an inside perspective on the emotional state of an elderly person (and by elderly we mean over eighty) based on his experience in the medical field.  In his opinion, we go from stability to compromise and then crisis in the early part of an elderly person’s decline, followed by a brief recovery, slow decline, death, and finally grieving.  Each “station” is portioned out into small, easily digestible sections like you might find in a guidebook.

“The most useful piece of advice that I found reading this book concerns the health of a caregiver.”

“When I get old, put me on an iceberg and leave me for the polar bears.”

The most useful piece of advice that I found reading this book concerns the health of a caregiver.  Most people tend to forget about their own well-being when taking care of an aging parent, which ultimately disadvantages both people.  Dr. McCullough recommends seeking help and portioning out the duties when caring for aging parents so that no single person gets burnt out.  He also advocates the idea of slow medicine, which allows for a more thoughtful approach to care and treatment.  He states from the very beginning, “This practice calls for using the allotted time health professionals (and families) spend with our aging parents differently and making better, more appropriate decisions more slowly and over a more extended period of time” (2).  By taking things slowly, a more thoughtful course of action can evolve.

While his book is practical and helpful for those who might be entirely clueless or overwhelmed about taking care of an aging parent, it also smacks of common sense in many cases.  For a doctor acutely aware of loss and the pain that accompanies the loss of a parent in particular, the language often comes across as cold and insensitive.  There is one section in the Crisis chapter titled “Stay Overnight in the Hospital with Your Confused Elder.”  Now, if your elderly parent is indeed dying and indeed confused, wouldn’t you stick around?

“I do appreciate the fact that Dr. McCullough stayed away from mind-boggling doctor jargon.”

I do appreciate the fact that Dr. McCullough stayed away from mind-boggling doctor jargon.  It is, however, very obvious that he went to medical school and not a creative writing grad program based on his seriously corny metaphors.  Throughout the book, he tries to make a water (maybe river?) and dying connection but it just doesn’t come across.  The clichéd image of thin ice on a river in dead winter doesn’t make the caregiving process any clearer or easier to approach, and it lacks the humor of my own mother’s advanced aging plan.

If what you’re looking for is a straightforward manual that might help in chaotic circumstances, go for it.  If you’re looking for a thought-provoking read, I’d pass.

For more information on caregiver burnout visit:  WomensHealth.gov