“Passed and Present” by Allison Gilbert

“Passed and Present” by Allison Gilbert is a wonderful book that offers creative and very memorable ways to remember our loved ones who have died. Gilbert termed her methods of remembering “Forget Me Nots.”

Gilbert compiled the book because she felt frustrated after nearly 20 years of researching and writing about death and grief. She found that there wasn’t a true go-to source that provided useful guidelines for actively remembering loved ones. Both the book’s forward and introduction discuss the overarching theme of “Passed and Present:” It’s vital to continually honor the relationship you had with your loved one who has died.

The author notes in her introduction that grief expert J. William Worden said, “The mourner needs to take action…Death makes you feel out of control. Being proactive makes you feel stronger. Taking steps to remember leads to empowerment, and feeling empowered is absolutely necessary for living a full, happy, and loving life.”

Allison Gilbert
credit: allisongilbert.com

Gilbert lists and describes 85 novel ways to remember our loved ones, divided into five different categories. She consulted numerous artists, writers and professionals from a variety of fields for inspiration throughout the course of her research for the book. In many cases, she lists contact information for the artists should you want to reach out to them for help or ideas.

Some of the explanations are a couple pages long, and others are just a few sentences. The beauty of the Forget Me Nots is that they’ll undoubtedly inspire you to expand upon the ideas Allison Gilbert lists, as none of them need be followed exactly how she describes.

Repurpose With Purpose

Part One is titled “Repurpose with Purpose.” The Forget Me Nots included in this section of “Passed and Present” revolve around heirlooms, trinkets and objects that belonged to your loved one. The ideas offer interesting ways of transforming any item, whether it be jewelry, books, clothing, recipes, etc.

One standout idea is for creating new pieces of jewelry. Gilbert mentions artist Robert Dancik, a jeweler based in Connecticut. Dancik “creates one-of-a-kind pieces out of the most unusual objects: a book of matches, a word ripped from an old menu, guitar picks, gears from clocks, playing cards, even corks from wine bottles.”

Other great ideas from this section include: displaying postcards or letters as decorations in your living room; re-purposing your loved one’s clothing into wall hangings; and creating miniature sculptures from items like paint brushes, gardening tools, table legs, etc.

Use Technology

“Use Technology”

The second section, “Use Technology,” is meant to incorporate our modern devices into our memories. Many of the Forget Me Nots here are particularly useful for engaging children and teens in our quests for remembrance. This is especially true if they never met the loved one you’re honoring.

There are ideas involving voice recordings, home movies, social media, email blasts and much more. A few standout ideas include scanning your loved one’s handwriting to impose on new objects; digitizing hand-written recipes and uploading them into a Google Doc; and recording a “digital walking tour” about an area or town your loved one cherished.

Not Just Holidays

Part Three incorporates a central theme of “Passed and Present.” Gilbert believes remembering your loved one should be a year-round endeavor. Not that you need to remember every single day, but that it shouldn’t be reserved specifically for holidays.

“There is no reason why remembering should be limited to a particular season or date on the calendar,” Gilbert writes. “Packing away your feelings until the ‘right’ time of year honors neither your feelings nor your relationship. Celebrating your loved one can happen any time of year, whenever you feel the tug, for as long as it makes you happy.”

The Forget Me Nots in “Not Just Holidays” incorporate the senses. Concepts related to cooking, journaling and listening to music are broached. Planting flowers, getting tattoos and many other ideas complete the section, encouraging everyday routines as opportunities for remembrance.

Sections Four and Five

Illustration from “Passed and Present”

The final two Forget Me Not sections are the shortest but certainly not the least inspiring. The fourth section, “Monthly Guide,” is just that: It revolves around calendar-specific dates. For instance, Gilbert gives a recommendation for Valentine’s Day for people whose spouse has died and ideas for both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. She shares a non-date specific idea for March when you could grow a “memory garden” celebrating your loved one.

The final “chapter” of “Passed and Present” revolves around specialized travel to other parts of the world. This section is meant to encourage experiencing the way another culture celebrates their loved ones who have died. Allison Gilbert lists ideas in Mexico, the Bahamas, Japan, Israel and others.

Gilbert also follows each country’s description with a “Bring it Home” opportunity. These are ways to use these foreign traditions to enhance your personal methods of remembrance.

“Passed and Present” is an extremely useful book to guide, inspire and impact the ways you can remember loved ones. Allison Gilbert has done a tremendous job consolidating ideas that run the gamut of ways to enhance our memories. “These pages are about happiness and remembering,” Gilbert writes. “It is possible to look forward, to live a rich and joyful life, while keeping the memory of loved ones alive.”