“Gone From My Sight” by Barbara Karnes

Barbara Karnes, R.N., is an award-winning hospice educator and author who has been working to demystify the dying experience for patients and families for over 30 years. After serving at the bedside of hundreds of patients throughout her nursing career, she has an uncanny grasp of how people die. In her short book, “Gone From My Sight,” she describes this process in gentle but uncompromising detail, with the goal of preparing the families of the dying as they care for a loved one who is approaching death. 

Just 10 pages long, “Gone from My Sight” is an extremely approachable book. Karnes uses no medical jargon or euphemisms to describe what to expect. Her descriptions begin at what some experts call the “pre-active phase” of dying, about one to three months before death, and continue through the moment that breathing stops. Her language is straightforward but kind as she strives to present death as a natural, inevitable and perfectly acceptable end. She covers early physical changes, such as loss of appetite (“I just don’t feel like eating”) and sleepiness, and mental changes such as withdrawal and disorientation that typically occur in the months prior to death. She then goes on to describe some of the outward manifestations that loved ones will notice as the person moves closer to death:

The breathing patterns become slower and more irregular. Breathing often stops for ten to fifteen, even thirty to forty-five seconds before resuming …

The eyes can be open or semi-open but unseeing. There is a glassy look to them, often tearing…

The hands and feet become purplish …

The separation becomes complete when breathing stops …

Her words are clinical, almost detached. And yet we get the sense that she is gently guiding the reader through the incredibly difficult journey of watching a loved one die.

Karnes ends the book with the poem “Gone From My Sight” by Henry Van Dyke, which concludes:

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says “There, she is gone!” There are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout “Here she comes!”
And that is dying.

And while she avoids any overtly religious allusions, it’s clear that Karnes’ message is that there is, in fact, something waiting for us in the “great beyond.”

One of a Series

“Gone from My Sight” is Karnes’ first and certainly most widely read book, with over 30 million copies sold worldwide. But it is only one of her many offerings, each of which covers a discreet part of the dying process, from pain control to caregiving. “The Eleventh Hour,” for example, is a companion guide for family caregivers, offering them details about caring for their loved one in the weeks, hours and moments before death. Much like “Gone From My Sight,” its advice is simple and straightforward, meant to help families let go of fear of the unknown so they can help guide their loved one to “the other side.”

“Delivery into the other world has been accomplished smoothly, calmly, and with as little fear as possible. Hopefully, a sacred memory has been created for all present” 

Barbara Karnes is a hospice nurse and end-of-life educator who has demystified the dying process for millions of readers.

Karnes’ other booklets are equally informative and easy to read, and include “Pain at the End of Life,” a guide to helping your loved one achieve a comfortable and pain-free death, and “My Friend, I Care,” a short exploration of what it is like to grieve for someone who has died and some practical advice for coping with loss. All of the booklets are available on her website, BK Books, where they can be purchased individually or at a discounted bundled price. 

Whether you are presently helping a loved one who is terminally ill or simply want to educate yourself about the dying process, Karnes’ books are a wonderful resource.