Our Monthly Tip: Write a Eulogy Based on Observations About Your Loved One

Writing a eulogy doesn’t have to be difficult with this technique
Credit:The Good Funeral Guide via Unsplash

Our Tip of the Month

Writing a eulogy can be hard. 

Not only can a loved one’s death come unexpectedly, but there’s often very little time to write a eulogy that’s fresh and compelling. Added to these difficulties is the challenge of how to accurately illustrate this person without being inappropriate or maudlin. 

A simple — yet profound — way to capture the spirit of your loved one is to write a eulogy as a series of observations about the person who died, one for each year that they lived. 

Recommended for someone who has lived a long, full life, this process not only simplifies the eulogy-writing, but it renders an unforgettable verbal portrait of the person who’s died.

How-to Suggestions

Start by setting aside some time to write in a comfortable place where you won’t be interrupted. 

You may want to write longhand while listening to music, or you may want to create a list on the computer. Whatever you do, don’t edit yourself. These observations can be as ordinary as how they took their coffee in the morning or as special as the beaming look on their face when they received an award. 

Include details about when they were born, nicknames they had as kids, and any and every positive thing you can remember. This is a time for you to create and to heal, so allow yourself to feel your feelings; be gentle with yourself as emotions come up.  

Once you feel like you’ve gotten a good portion down, take a break for several hours (or even a day). Writing a eulogy can stir things up, so allowing your eyes and mind to relax is recommended.

When you come back to the page, choose the best, most salient details from the beginning of their life to the end. Think of yourself as describing this person to someone who’s never met them. What are the details that best describe their personality, energy, vibe? 

When writing, allow yourself the chance to heal while you capture the spirit of the person who died.

Then start arranging these details in a list. You may want to start with when and where they were born and then tell the story of their lives through your details. As you take part in this process, you may remember more details, and that’s great! Let yourself write, delete, edit and rewrite until you get the next draft. 

Once you’ve created a working draft of the eulogy, read it aloud. You want to give a pause at the end of each observation. Is there a good, cohesive flow? Since this list is numbered, there’s no need to read the numbers aloud (as that can be distracting). Practice will help you choose what detail goes where. 

When it comes time to read the eulogy at the service, you may want to introduce the eulogy’s format at the beginning so to best manage expectations. After each observation, give a little pause so the audience can absorb the information and paint a mental picture. Enjoy this process as much as you can, giving space to whatever feeling comes up. 

My Experience

I came up with this approach when I lost my mother and spent 14 hours on a transatlantic flight, writing out my grief. I didn’t want to write something that was overly sentimental, so I thought I’d just remember the facts, observations, and details that made my mother special and unique. 

When I read this eulogy aloud, the somewhat staid, older Danish audience didn’t exactly know how to react; they were used to eulogies being done a certain way. But I noticed that as I continued to read it, people’s faces lit up as memories reignited.

At the reception, I received many compliments, and my father raved about it. (In fact, it may have helped him with his own grief.) A few people even requested that I email them what I had written because they wanted my words and memories to preserve my mother’s spirit. 

A eulogy doesn’t have to be hard to be remembered. Sometimes, a creative approach can provide a fresh perspective to an often difficult piece of writing.