Our Weekly Tip: Writing the Unsent Letter

Our Tip of the Week: Whether your loved one died suddenly or after a long illness, you may find yourself wishing you had said something to them. One last, “I love you,” perhaps, or an apology for something you did or did not do. An unsent letter is one way to manage and express your feelings.

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How-to Suggestion: When writing your unsent letter, try to find a private space. A spot outdoors that is special to you, perhaps, or a room where you know you will not be bothered.

Choose the format that is easiest for you. Some people are more comfortable writing longhand while others prefer to use a computer. If you use a computer, you may want to delete the letter after you’ve written it, especially if you don’t want other people to view it. You can print out a copy to keep for yourself if you like.

When writing an unsent letter, don’t worry about spelling and punctuation. Just let the feelings flow. Write what you would say to your loved one if they were standing in front of you. You may find yourself feeling angry at your loved one for leaving you or for something they did before they died, and it’s okay to express that, too.

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The letter does not have to be of any particular length. Some people write several pages to express all their feelings. Some people are satisfied with one or two sentences.

Once you have finished the letter, you have several options. You can keep it to help remember your loved one. You can place it in your loved one’s casket to be buried with them, or you can burn it and place it with your loved one’s cremains. You can also burn it and scatter it in a place that was important to you and your loved one. Some people destroy the letter and simply throw it in the trash.

An unsent letter gives you a way to resolve issues with your loved one, even after their death. If you find yourself struggling with grief, guilt, or anger, the unsent letter can be a valuable tool to help you deal with your feelings and move on.