How to Deal with the Loss of a Child? An Interview with Sandy Puc’

In 2005, photographer Sandy Puc’ co-founded the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation (NILMDTS) with Cheryl Haggard. NILMDTS administers a network of thousands of volunteer photographers around the world who conduct free hospital and hospice portrait sessions of families who have just lost a baby. I spoke with Sandy about the organization and its mission.

Liz: How did you get the idea for the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation?
Sandy: My work was on display at the local hospital, mainly art-type portraits of parents and children. One day I received a phone call from a family I didn’t know. They had just found out that their son had a condition incompatible with life, and they had seen my work. They wanted me to create portraits for them like the ones they had seen. Their son was being taken off life support later that evening. I really hadn’t done anything like that before. But through that session, I became very close with little Maddux’s mother, Cheryl Haggard. We realized how many babies pass away on a daily basis in this country. Most of the families go to the hospital thinking they are going to have a healthy baby; they don’t expect it to happen. There is such shock that they don’t think of things like taking pictures, capturing memories.

Liz: Can you describe your services?
Sandy: Our volunteer photographers go to the hospital and do a full portrait session. Most opt for black and white due to the condition of the child, but otherwise it is just like a beautiful portrait session we would do in a high-end studio.  Our photographers go home, do image editing, and provide the family with a disc of photos at no charge. The average volunteer spends about ten hours of work on one family.

Liz: What is the experience of the photography session like?
Sandy: When the photographer goes in, they are required to sign off on hospital paperwork, as a legality issue for safety and health. They introduce themselves as a representative of NILMDS, and are efficient, quick, quiet, and very respectful. They explain to families what they’re going to do. We give them options for photographs: the baby alone, Mom and Dad with baby, Mom and baby, Dad and baby; if there are other family members, grandparents, siblings. We do recommend that they hold their children; sometimes they are in shock, but we know how valuable it can be later. We also know the baby’s time is short, or has passed, and we want to make sure they get as many images as they can. This is a one-shot deal. Once the session is over, the baby will usually be taken to the morgue.

We focus on the memorable parts of the baby: eyes, toes, ears, little hands. We want the parents to have a record of the baby. These are the things they struggle with the most because they’re in so much shock. It helps to remember those little details. They’ll have it forever.

For the parent, that baby is real. This happened. So we can just give them the opportunity to show that and say, this is my child.

Liz: What do you hear from families who have utilized your services? Does it help to facilitate their healing process?
Sandy: There’s such a range. Everyone handles pain differently. Some families are desperate to see the images right away, while some families, three or four years later, have not looked at the images because they aren’t emotionally ready to do so. It really depends on the person. There are parents who tell me they look at the images every day. Some put them on display, on their desk at work. They want people to ask about their child. Unfortunately, a lot of people are misinformed: they tell grieving parents things like “forget it” or “thank heavens you have another.” Things like that are very painful. For the parent, that baby is real. This happened. So we can just give them the opportunity to show that and say, this is my child. That’s what we hear the most.

Liz: Finally, what words of advice can you offer to our SevenPonds readers who may be dealing with grief or the loss of a child?
Sandy: There are so many resources for healing. For parents who have lost a child, the biggest thing is capturing memories. It’s important to keep the memory alive and keep a tribute to the baby, such as with birthday remembrances. We also want to help people understand that it’s okay to talk about that lost child. We want other people to be comfortable with that conversation. Some of our families have the hardest time because people don’t know how to react when a baby passes away. Be forgiving of people, but also help to educate people.

Liz: Thank you so much for sharing with us!