How Can We Open Conversations about Aging with our Elderly Parents? An Interview with Katharina Dress

Today, SevenPonds speaks with Katharina Dress from Aging in Harmony, an organization that provides communication support for elders and their families and caretakers. Katharina has a masters degree in communications from San Francisco State University and has completed extensive training in mediation, facilitation and conflict-coaching training. She now serves as a mediator on the Civil Court Mediation Panel of the Superior Court of Alameda County. She is also a coach for workshops on intercultural and empathic communication, conflict management and older adult mediation. Today, he speaks with us about the communication services she provides through Aging in Harmony.

Katharina Dress

Christopher: What is Aging in Harmony?

Katharina: Aging in Harmony is a service that helps families and aging service providers communicate effectively about the challenges of aging so that they can plan ahead in a collaborative manner and find solutions that meet everyone’s needs.

Christopher: How do you get these conversations started?

Katharina: I offer four different kinds of services. The first service is mediation, where I work with families and sometimes with professional caregivers and their clients to solve problems surrounding care, estate planning or any kind of aging-related issue. I sit down with them and facilitate conversation in a safe and neutral manner so that they can really understand each other and find creative solutions that work for everyone.

Secondly, in conflict coaching, I work with an individual, typically over the phone, to help them change the way they communicate so that they can have effective conversations on their own. Many people look for this service when their family members refuse to participate. Other times the family members prefer to have the conversation in private.

The third service is facilitation. Sometimes, but not nearly as often as I would like, families realize that it would be good idea to plan together, but they’re afraid to have the discussion, so they get me to facilitate the conversation and help them plan together.

The fourth is training. I offer workshops anywhere that last anywhere from half an hour to three days to help people who work with older adults or family members to learn the communication skills that I use in my own work.

Credit: caregiverstress.com

Christopher: Who most often comes to you for help?

Katharina: Often I get referrals from other professionals, such as estate planning attorneys and financial managers—specialists whom the family might contact first. But typically, I first talk to the adult children, not the elder person. The elderly don’t typically initiate this process. It’s usually the adult children who get concerned about changes they observe in their parents’ lives and then think that something needs to happen. Often they run into a wall when they’re trying to communicate that, so they come to me.

Christopher: What if the parents aren’t up for mediation?

Katharina: A lot of people are afraid this might be the case. But I offer something that few mediators offer: I’m willing to contact the other party first. In other words, if the daughter is worried that her mother will refuse the process, I can call the mom and say, without mentioning that I’m a mediator, that her daughter is worried. At that point, the older adult typically starts venting. I start by listening with empathy to what’s going on with her or him, and after about half an hour of that, I say, “Well, do you have the sense that I really understood where you’re coming from?” And they say, “Yes,” and I say, “Well, would you like to hear what I do and how I might be able to help?”

Christopher: If you bring a family on board, how many sessions do these conflicts usually take to mediate? How long are your sessions?

Katharina: There is nothing typical in elder mediation. The range of issues is huge. I’ve done anything from one to six sessions with a family. Sometimes the elders aren’t even involved: Maybe they’ve died and the children are in the middle of the grieving process while deciding what to do with the estate. Sometimes the elder person has dementia to some degree that they can’t participate in the conversation anymore.

With me, a session is typically three hours—that’s how much time it takes to accomplish anything, because first people just have to vent, get empathy and get heard.  Only after a break can we usually start talking about potential solutions.

Katharina with fellow mediators

Christopher: What are some common issues you see?

Katharina: Estate planning issues, power of attorney issues and finances are all very common. The earliest conflict in a lot of families is when to give up the car keys.

Another issue I frequently see is whether to move or not to move, and if so, where. Often, the children are concerned about parents living alone, and their first idea is to move them into assisted living.  But there are a lot of things that children can do to make their parents’ homes a safe and healthy place to live. There can be many solutions to meet everyone’s needs. The challenge is to get the elder to accept help. Often, they do it as a gift to the children—the gift of peace of mind, which is part of the beauty of the process. They don’t ever have to admit they need help. Once they see what a burden it is for them, they accept help for the sake of their children.

Christopher: Can you give our readers some tips on how to communicate effectively with their aging parents? 

Katherina: Certainly, the most important thing to remember when speaking with an aging parent is that positive communication is key. Some tips for achieving that include:

1. Establish your intention before starting a potentially challenging conversation.

2. Use I-statements when you express yourself. For example, say  “When I hear you say . . .” or “When I see you do . . .”  instead of saying, “When you say . . . or do . . .”

3. Share how the other person’s actions impact you.  For instance, “I feel angry, sad, worried, etc. when this occurs.”

4. If someone says something that pushes your buttons, take several deep breaths before responding.

5. Practice active listening: Rephrase, summarize and validate what you hear the other person say before expressing your reaction.

6. Ask for what you want, not for what you don’t want. For example, say “Would you go shopping for new clothes with me?” instead of “Don’t wear old clothes with stains or holes.”

Christopher: Is there anything else you would like our readers to know?

Katharina: Yes: how to find a mediator. I would recommend Mediate.com. Go to their website and and under “Type of Matter” select “Elder.” Also, I serve the greater Bay Area and your readers are welcome to contact me.

Christopher: Thank you for speaking with us today, Katharina!

Katharina: Of course, thank you!