What is a Death Care Midwife? An Interview with Akhila Murphy: Part Two

Today SevenPonds speaks with Akhila Murphy, a trained death-care midwife who has been practicing since 2013. Ms. Murphy’s job is to help families create beautiful personalized home funerals and memorial services for their loved ones. In this second part of our two-part interview, (read part one here), Akhila discusses both the rewarding and tough aspects of her job, shares stories from her experience, and offers her advice.

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Kristen: What do you feel is the most rewarding aspect of being a death-care midwife?

Akhila: I would say the most rewarding aspect comes after I tell people about the possibility of having a home funeral for their loved one, and their faces light up with surprise. I just love when people’s eyes are wide with wonder, like “What? You can actually do that?” It’s also very gratifying seeing the people who come through the process. The fact that they gave their loved one a home funeral and/or memorial filled with love and compassion is very rewarding, and they feel enthusiastic about it as well.

Kristen: That’s really inspiring! What would be the hardest part of your job?

Akhila: On the business side of things, there are difficulties spreading the word about home funerals, which entails a lot of marketing and teaching others about the process. Getting the information out there and framing it in a way that people want to come and listen about these options is always a challenge.

Personally, the hardest part has been controlling my emotions. I am a very emotional person, and I do cry easily, so it is definitely hard to hold back and maintain a professional demeanor when I see a family in grief. I don’t mind sharing tears, but I do like to make sure I remain a professional guide for the families hosting the service.

Kristen: I can understand that; you are being strong for others. Would you say you notice a difference in the way children and adults handle these situations?

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Akhila: Yes. Children actually handle it better than adults most of the time. I feel as if children are more curious and not as fearful of situations until adults express their own cues of fear, projecting them onto their kids subconsciously. Kids might reach out their hand to touch a loved one who has died, and ask why it’s cold, whereas adults may feel uncomfortable just being in the same room with the person. It goes back to our culture in general and the widespread death-phobia phenomena. Most people in our culture have never discussed plans for their own funerals with family or friends. There’s a sort of superstition that if we talk about death, we must have some death wish, or the discussion will bring about death.  Children can actually be teachers for their adult family members by asking these important questions and trying to get honest answers.

Kristen: How many hours a week would you say you work?

Akhila: Actually, we are currently growing our services and spreading the word, so we only do about three to four home funerals a year.  I cannot really accurately calculate the number of hours per week. Our organization, Full Circle Living & Dying Collective spends a lot of time getting the word out by sending email newsletters,  social media, creating  presentations, and hosting speakers, such as a recent talk with our local cemetery district. We host free community events, such as showing death-related films, demonstrations of home funerals, private consultations to discuss home funeral options and advanced planning, and organizing Death Cafés and group conversations about the topic of death.  We also participate in our community’s local Altar Show, which commemorates the Day of the Dead on November 1^st.

Kristen: Do you support the practice of physician-assisted death?

Akhila: While I don’t think that it is for everyone, I do believe that it should be legal. California recently passed the End-of-Life Options Act, which gives people control over their lives and deaths. There are careful safeguards in place that only allow persons with a terminal diagnosis who is of sound mind to request the prescription from their doctor. Only the patient may administer the dosage, not the doctor or anyone else. I feel that each person should have the right to die as they feel appropriate, whether that means abiding by their own faith tradition, or consciously deciding to discontinue life when it becomes unbearable.

Kristen: Before we close, is there anything you want those caring for a dying loved one to know?

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Akhila: It is most important for the caregivers to take care of themselves. I recommend that they get as much help as possible to support their staying healthy during the difficult time of caring for a loved one who is near the end of their life.

Ask for help, and take it when people offer it to you. Check in with your doctor about hospice care. Also, make sure to check in with your community; there may be options to hire caregivers that specialize in end-of-life care.

Be sure there is an advanced directive in place and that the wishes for the dying loved one are documented. Have meaningful conversations about dying, death, funerals, and memorials with family, and try to help the dying person come to terms with unresolved issues.

Also, recognize that grief is not an illness. It is a natural response to loss and death. Grief is a deep form of love, and it needs to be acknowledged.

Lastly,  I would like people to know that they have the legal right to care for their loved ones in their own homes both before and after death. In most states, you can be your own director of the funeral, but make sure to look up what the laws are in your area before you proceed.