Facing the Final Goodbye

Each month Kathleen Clohessy, R.N., offers a new perspective on living with a terminal illness. Kathleen comes to SevenPonds with 25 years experience as a registered nurse caring for families and children facing life-threatening illness. She began her career in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit at Nassau County Medical Center in New York, and after relocating to California, spent 15 years as an R.N. and Assistant Nurse Manager at the Pediatric Oncology & Bone Marrow Transplant Unit at Lucille Salter Packard Children’s Hospital at Stanford. She uses her extensive personal knowledge and expertise to enlighten our readers regarding the challenges associated with chronic illness and their profound effects on family relationships and human dynamics.  

I don’t know how you say good-bye to whom and what you love. I don’t know a painless way to do it, don’t know the words to capture a heart so full and a longing so intense.”  – Laura Wiess

Credit: flickr.com

Life is, it seems, an endless series of goodbyes. From the first friend who moves away, to the first pet we bury in the backyard, to the first lover who leaves us because they fell in love with someone else, loss follows us through our lives, as relentless and dogged as the heat of a summer day. Grief is a constant, albeit often silent, companion — perched lightly on our shoulders, it waits patiently for the next time loss invites it back into our hearts.

Charles, who is dying of heart disease, sits in his hospital bed in his living room, talking to me about what he fears most as he approaches death. He is short of breath, visibly struggling to speak, but he clearly wants to share what’s in his heart…

“Living with this illness is living with the constant knowledge that someday in the not-too-distant future I will have to say goodbye to everything and everyone I care about,” he says. “It’s the elephant in the room…the monster hiding under my bed. I try so hard to live each moment fully, to love deeply and completely, and to give those who love me the gift of my presence every day, as best I can. But everything is colored by this overarching sadness — the inescapable reality that I will be leaving here forever soon. I keep asking myself…I keep praying for some answer…to the question that runs through my mind all day long….’How in the name of all that’s holy can I say goodbye to the people I love?”’ 

Credit: pintrest.com

“Grief is the price we pay for love,” said Queen Elizabeth in the aftermath of the September 11th terrorist attack in New York. And as we move through life, we realize again and again the truth of those words. Life is composed of opposites, different sides of the same coin. Darkness is also light; sadness is also joy; evil is also good; beginnings are also endings; love is also loss. Whether we are the one doing the leaving or we are the one left behind, the pain is exactly the same.

One of the central tasks of living, then — whether we are living with a terminal illness or simply living a life that has not yet been touched so intimately by death — is to find some way to balance the opposing forces that impact our lives, to work with rather than against the things we cannot change. Love is loss. Life is death. These are immutable constants that we can either fight or learn to accept. When we fight them, there is always pain…always the feeling that things should be different than what they are, that we are being “cheated” of the life we deserve. But if we accept them and integrate them into our understanding of what it is to be fully alive, then — and perhaps only then — we can find peace. 

Credit: thepleasureofgardening.blogspot.com

“I’ve come to understand that every day is both hello and goodbye, you know?” Charles said, surrounded by friends and family on what was to be one of the last days of his life. “Every morning I wake up and say, ‘Wow, I’m still alive!’ and I feel enormously grateful that I’ve been given the gift of another day.”

“Do I feel sorry for myself? Sure I do! I see all these people around me and I feel so loved and so happy to have them in my life…I don’t want to leave them…I don’t want to hurt them by leaving. I’d give anything to stay! But I’ve come to see that all I can do is accept the inevitable and try my best to make every second count. 

“‘Goodbye’ is just a word. What I need to do now is show them what’s in my heart.”