Artist Wears Her Dead Mother’s Clothes in Self Portrait Series

“She would leave for work in darkness; we would all be still asleep. She would take a red bus to her work at the music school. We didn’t have a car. Waiting for the bus, bitter cold, the uncertainty whether it would come, shifting from foot to foot. On the way back she would do the shopping. She would move slowly with heavy bags, being careful not to slip. Freezing cold, with a red nose and cheeks, she would enter the house. Every night her soaked black boots would stand in a puddle of melted snow under a radiator in the kitchen.”

What does one do with the abundant daily materials that a loved one leaves after they pass — the clothes, kitchenware, trinkets, and the like? Artist Karolina Jonderko found herself in such a situation after the death of her mother in 2008. One day, four years later, she was pondering the clothes that had once belonged to her mother, and with which she had many associated memories. “It was an impulse to put [my mother’s clothes] on. I cannot really rationally explain it,” Jonderko reflects in an interview with Huffington Post. From this impulse was born a series of photographs called “Self-portrait with My Mother.” Each photograph is accompanied by a brief piece of writing which reflects how each outfit is an inroad to memories of place, home, family and identity.

“I remember her sitting at the piano, focused, her hand tapping the rhythm, patiently listening to the rattle of her students, and I can still hear her gentle voice: ‘Let’s repeat this fragment.’ How was she able to listen to that, I do not know, ‘til this day. My sister and I would leave the house after few minutes.”

Initially Jonderko’s mother’s clothes were donated to her grandmother, who died three years later. Having come back into the possession of the multi-generational traveling wardrobe, Jonderko noticed some strands of her mother’s hair caught in the zipper of a jacket, which ignited the photo series.

At that time, she had returned to the empty house in Poland where both she and her mother grew up, and it was there that she took the photographs. They were not meant to be shared publicly — not at first, anyway. They were the product of a personal reflection and coming to terms with the person Jonderko describes as “the most important woman in my life.” After showing the series to close friends and receiving positive feedback, she decided to go public with the images to help others going through the same intense transition know that they are not alone in their pain.

“Sunny day, the whole family sits at my grandmother’s garden, sausages on the grill, twittering birds, laughter, conversation. In this dress, my mother would always be smiling, relaxed. She would wear it only on sunny, free-from-work days.”

In the four years since her mother’s death, Jonderko relived the difficult experience of being with her mother while she was dying of bone cancer — a process that lasted “too long.” Wearing her mother’s clothes was a way of remembering the vibrant woman who raised her. “I wanted to bring the good memories back. And the moment I saw [the clothes] I simply had to put them on. I felt calm wearing them. I could feel her presence again,” Jonderko said.

Not only does “Self-portrait with My Mother” resonate universally on an intimate level, but it may also inspire those who are searching for a way to remain close to a loved one after they pass. It is often the case that the more deeply a loss is felt, the more deeply an individual’s sense of self has been influenced by the person who has died. In an instance such as this, wearing a loved one’s old clothes may prove to be a nurturing and effective way of learning how to carry our loved ones close instead of “losing” them when they die.