Mary Oliver’s “Heavy” Speaks to the Weight of Grief

That time
I thought I could not
go any closer to grief
without dying

I went closer,
and I did not die.
Surely God
had his hand in this,

as well as friends.
Still, I was bent,
and my laughter,
as the poet said,

was nowhere to be found.
Then said my friend Daniel,
(brave even among lions),
“It’s not the weight you carry

but how you carry it –
books, bricks, grief –
it’s all in the way
you embrace it, balance it, carry it

when you cannot, and would not,
put it down.”
So I went practicing.
Have you noticed?

Have you heard
the laughter
that comes, now and again,
out of my startled mouth?

How I linger
to admire, admire, admire
the things of this world
that are kind, and maybe

also troubled –
roses in the wind,
the sea geese on the steep waves,
a love
to which there is no reply?

— “Heavy” by Mary Oliver

Mary Oliver’s poem,“Heavy,” recognizes grief as a dizzying experience.

The poem starts with a familiar feeling for those who have recently experienced the loss of a loved one. The sadness, the inability to imagine life going on without one’s beloved, can reach a point of overwhelm that feels impossible to survive.

That feeling is something most of us want to push away. It is so painful that the idea of getting any closer to that dimension of grief, to actually embrace it rather than hide it away, threatens us as a potentially mortal, emotional blow. The speaker, however, surprises us by saying, “I went closer, / and I did not die.”

We learn that a friend’s advice prompted the speaker to reassess their relationship with their grief. His advice is worth repetition:

“It’s not the weight you carry

but how you carry it –
books, bricks, grief –
it’s all in the way
you embrace it, balance it, carry it

when you cannot, and would not,
put it down.”

The speaker’s friend does not suggest pushing grief away into a corner. In fact, he says, and rightly so, that “you cannot, and would not, / put it down.” Grief is not something we can deny or simply get over — it is something we learn to live with. His advice acknowledges that and suggests the best thing we can do is to find a way to hold our grief, to “embrace it, balance it, carry it.”

Poet Mary Oliver

Making space for one’s grief becomes a “practice,” much like we practice any other skill. The speaker begins the process of reshaping their relationship to their grief, which has a surprising effect on them. Prior to her friend’s advice, the idea of embracing grief felt like it would bring an incurable sadness. But as the speaker practices carrying their grief, surprising emotions emerge. They speaker feels “Startled,” when catching themselves laughing. And feeling joyful emotions can feel startling when we are grieving, but the practice of carrying one’s grief, of healing, can bring these surprising moments.

Acknowledging the preciousness of life, the speaker turns to admiration of both “kind” and “troubled” things. Finding beauty in the gentleness and cruelty of life, Mary Oliver’s “Heavy” teaches us that in the embrace of grief, we can unlock a richness. Going closer to, rather than pushing away, the pain of our loss can lead us to recognize the beauty inherent in life’s impermanence and fragility.