What is the National Organization of Parents Of Murdered Children? An Interview with Misty Foster

Today SevenPonds speaks with Misty Foster, Chapter Leader of the Sacramento Chapter of Parents of Murdered Children (POMC).  The National Organization of Parents Of Murdered Children, Inc is a nation-wide network of over 100 thousand volunteers who have suffered the murder of a loved one. POMC offers its members on-going support, prevention, awareness, advocacy and education. Misty became involved with POMC in 2008 in order to better understand grief and murder. Her goal is to help others who have suffered the loss of a loved one due to violence.

Misty Foster

Misty: My brother David (Foster) was murdered in 1991 in Long Beach, California. His murder is still unsolved. Initially my parents went to the Orange County chapter of POMC and then in 2000, I joined them to attend the national conference. For the first time since David’s murder, I felt normal. It was like getting a big hug from an extended family. I got so much out of it, and was able to help my parents, too. I then continued by becoming involved with my local Sacramento chapter.

Suzette: What should someone who attends your Sacramento POMC support group expect?

Misty: Our Sacramento support group meets once a month. It’s a place to come talk and not be afraid to say what you feel. A safe place where no one is judged. The name is a bit misleading since Parents of Murdered Children is for everyone: sister, aunt, friend or anyone who has had someone die by violence. Anywhere from 5 to 20 people attend per group session. We start with the rules, informing the group that any words expressed here stay only in the environment. It can be overwhelming for new members who often come only once and not return for quite some time. We offer telephone support between meetings so they do not feel alone.

Suzette: Dealing with death is so difficult. How is it different for someone grabbling with a murder as the reason for the death?

Misty: Well, we go up and we go down. We think about the person who was murdered every single day. Some days more intensely than others. A simple reminder can be overwhelming like a birthday or Christmas, or like when I was face-to-face with a dentist recently. He reminded me of my bother David. I was so immediately overtaken I had to leave and return later when I was collected. It’s so painful – you know, imagine how they were taken before their time and had no say.

Suzette: How has your personal journey been dealing with the murder of David? 

Misty: I’m still trying to figure out who my new person is. It’s natural to want to be your old person. I finally can also do things I never thought I could before. Last year I volunteered to speak in front of a group of prisoners. This year I spoke to 3 groups. I get to say all the things I could never say to the unknown person who murdered my brother David. It is empowerment. It has helped me learn how to deal with the gaps in my soul.

Suzette: What should someone say to a person who has lost someone to murder?

Misty: If you don’t know what to say, ask them what to say. Never tell them to get over it and move on. It’s really hurtful and the murder will always be part of their lives. They are not the same person anymore. You may have known them for years and suddenly it’s like you’re meeting a new person. People think there is a pattern and they will return to that pattern. Accept them because they will never be that person again.

Misty Foster’s 5 tips for others who have lost someone to a murder:

1 Be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve.

2 Find what works for you to heal.

3 Find a support group or friend(s) or a clergy.

4 Don’t let anyone tell you to get over it.

5 Find a grief counselor who specializes in death & dying from a homicide perspective.

David Glen Foster
3.3.1963 to 3.29.1991

Misty: I want people to know there is a light at the end. They need to realize they will not get over it but they can get through it.

Suzette: What motivates you to move forward in life now?

What is most important to me is honoring my brother David.

Suzette: Lastly, please tell us about the upcoming National Day of Remembrance for Murdered Victims, which is next week on September 25th.

Misty: I’d like people to know September 25th is the National Day of Remembrance for Murdered Victims. There will be events in 10 states this year; Arizona, Colorado, Georgia, Illinois, Kansas, Massachusetts, Ohio, Oregon, Texas and you can visit this website to learn more. For those in California we will gather at the California State Capital building in Sacramento on the north steps from 6:00 to 8:00 pm on September 25th.

If you’d like to attend the Sacramento Chapter of Parents of Murdered Children (COMC) support group. We meet the 4th Monday of every month at 5770 Freeport Blvd. in Sacramento. Be sure to confirm as some months we do not meet for unexpected reasons. Call Misty Foster at (916) 879-4541.

Suzette: Thanks, Misty!

Misty: Thanks

• Watch the YouTube Video “Say Their Name” about the death of children created by The Compassionate Friends, a charitable organization for the support and care of other bereaved parents, siblings, and relatives.
• Book Review: “Griefprints” by Radha Stern, who shares her experience of the death and grief after the murder of her 21-year old son, Christopher.
• How Can We Support Families of Children with Serious Illness? An Interview with Jennifer Belke at UCSF in San Francisco, California.