The Timing of Death

Join SevenPonds each month as Tani Bahti, RN, CT, CHPN offers practical hands-on guidance in an attempt to demystify the dying process. An RN since 1976, Tani has been working to empower families and healthcare professionals to have the best end-of-life experience possible through education and the development of helpful tools and resources. The current Director of Pathways, Tani is also the author of “Dying to Know: Straight Talk about Death & Dying” considered by SevenPonds as one of the most practical books on the topic. According to Founder Suzette Sherman, Tani’s is “the book I will have at the bedside of my dying parents some day, hopefully a very long time from now.”

“I wasn’t there when he died – I should have been there!”

I’ve heard so many pained family members carry the guilt of not having been with their loved one in their last moment of life.

My response is, “You weren’t supposed to be there.”

I truly believe that people choose their time to die.

If you are supposed to be there, you will. If you are not supposed to be there, you won’t.

There is no judgment either way.

The timing of death is one of the mysteries through which we can discover meaning.

It doesn’t mean you were good if you were there or bad if you weren’t. Reasons may be unknown to us. What is important is that you do not define your entire relationship with that person by those final moments.  It’s the years of life and love you shared that counts, and it cannot be taken away or diminished by whether or not you were present.

This belief arises from my 40 years working as an RN and exploring this phenomena with hospice workers all over the US.

The timing of death is one of the mysteries through which we can discover meaning.

There are those that prefer to die when no one is around. (I find this to be especially true about many men.) There are those that wait for someone to arrive, and those that wait for someone to leave. There are those that wait for a significant event like before or after birthdays and anniversaries, prior to a transfer to a nursing home, or after the last person has said good-bye.

Gloria’s final wish was to make sure her son was home from the war in Iraq, safely on the ground. Despite the delays, she held on to life until she was informed he was heading home. Once the plane landed on the tarmac, her son quickly called home to tell his mother, “I’m on the ground. I’ll be home in 20 minutes.” Gloria weakly but happily declared “I love you” on the phone. Her wish granted, she died just one minute later.

I’ve heard distraught family exclaim, “I didn’t want them to die alone!”

Despite ‘missing her final moment’, her son later shared that his mother knew it would have been difficult for him to see her last breath. But to have heard her voice on the phone and then arrive to see her in a peaceful repose of death, he said, “That was perfect.”

I’ve heard distraught family exclaim, “I didn’t want them to die alone!”

But are they really alone?

Grace was close to death, so the nurse sat with her as the adult children rushed to the hospital to be with her. As Grace took her final breath, she smiled and said, “Hi, Joe” into the empty space before her. The despondent children arrived minutes later, and once told of her last words, their initial, stunned silence quickly changed into smiles and tears. “He met her. They are together again.” Joe was the name of their father who had died the previous year.

You may share an increasingly common belief that those who have already died are there to greet those in the process, as described in numerous stories and near-death research. I have witnessed many close to death in animated conversation with someone I cannot see. Whether you believe that such an experience is real or not becomes a question of no importance — just know that their perception is one of not being alone.

Our beliefs are challenged when things do not unfold as we hoped for or imagined they ‘should.’ The reason behind the timing of a death may be revealed at a later date or not at all, to our satisfaction or understanding. In the latter cases, I have found myself saying, “Well, I’ll just add that to my list of questions for when I get to the other side!”. Share your experience with others and perhaps gain new perspectives as you search for meaning about the timing.

Honor the mystery of perfect timing.

Reflect without judgment. Let go of guilt.

Just know that when your loved one has died, his or her heart contained all of your shared love and memories just as yours does now. That’s all we take with us when we die, and that’s enough.

“Love is the only thing that we can carry with us when we go…” – Louisa May Alcott

 

You may want a copy of Tani’s book “Dying to Know, Straight talk about Death and Dying” to help demystify the process and offer words of wisdom on the many aspects of dying.