How Can a Life Coach Help People Deal with Loss and Grief? An Interview with Linda Blachman

Today SevenPonds speaks with Linda Blachman, a certified professional life coach, certified imagery guide and author. Currently based in Berkeley, California, she received her training from the Coaches Training Institute, Fowler Wainwright and The Hudson Institute. She holds a Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology from New York University and a Master in Public Health with concentrations in maternal-child health, health education, and community mental health from UC Berkeley. In her private practice, Linda works with individuals in person and by phone and Skype. She also facilitates several workshops, including one for women going through life transitions at midlife and beyond, as well as writing workshops for ethical wills and spiritual autobiographies. Today, she talks with us about what inspired her to become a certified life coach, her personal approach, and how working with a life coach can be beneficial for people dealing with loss and grief.

Credit: Linda Blachman

Zoë: What inspired you to become a life coach?

Linda: I have worked in counseling and medical social work on and off for many years in my life. As the founder and director of The Mothers’ Living Stories Project and a trained life historian, I helped mothers with cancer share their stories as a legacy for their children. People would ask me if it was depressing work. I would tell them that it was the most enlivening and important work I’ve done. People facing mortality recognize how precious life is. A lot of my work and life is about focusing on aliveness and authenticity.

After the project lost its funding, I wrote a book featuring the stories of these women. Later, I realized I wanted to help others through life transitions. I work with all ages, mostly people facing middle age and beyond. I want to help them realize how precious life is.

One other important thing I learned from the mothers and others going through various struggles — divorce, illness, bereavement and such — is that we live through stories all the time. Not only do major events and struggles shake up our lives, but they shake up our stories as well. We’re pushed against the uncertainty in life and our lack of control in situations. As hard as it is, navigating life challenges and changes can be a very creative process. I like to think of my work as helping people find perspective so they can revise their stories and craft a positive and fulfilling new chapter.

Zoë: As a life coach, what is your personal approach, and how do you address your clients’ individual needs?

Linda: With each individual, I listen to them, help them understand and have them open up their dreams to figure out new possibilities in life. Knowing what you want is half the problem. I help to open them up to what they desire and to see that they could probably have more than they realize. I use many creative ways, such as writing, collage and the like, to help them think through all the obstacles and not let those obstacles stop them.

My job is helping people examine and expand their stories and let go of negative, limiting beliefs. I also do some education with clients to help them see that growth and change happens all the time. I help them learn how to think about making changes through a creative process rather than focusing on the negative. With some people, it can also be very spiritual.

Like most coaches, I help people identify their goals. However, I take the right approach by working in an inner directive way. I help them to slow down and make decisions logically because, according to neuroscience, the best way to make changes in life is to think them through rationally.

Credit: Linda Blachman

Zoë: Your website mentions, “All the world is a very narrow bridge. And the main thing is not to fear at all.” Can you expand on that in relation to loss and grief and its connection to life coaching? How is life coaching beneficial for people dealing with loss and grief?

Linda: I love that quote, except that it refers to not fearing at all, which is rarely possible. We live on a span between two mysteries, birth and death. Loss and grief will happen; every transition we go through in life in some way involves loss and grief. Fear is a natural emotion, but it can get in the way.

I do a lot of bereavement counseling, which not every life coach does. To help those I’m coaching, I try to help them understand that grief is a natural part of life. Grief and loss are part of the journey. Each time we go through it, we’re preparing for the final transition.

I also help people deal with grief. I don’t believe we ever really finish with grief, but I remind them that things do change. It’s easy to believe that it’ll always stay the same. So I help my clients understand that if you keep attending to your grief, it will continue to move forward. The renewal cycle does follow death, loss and grief. Being in the moment and honoring what goes on in our bodies with all the changes is very important as well, so I also do a lot of mindfulness practice and stress reduction techniques with them.

Credit: pinterest.com

Zoë: Do you have any stories from your time with The Mothers’ Living Stories Project that you would be willing to share?

Linda: These women were good examples of what it means to deal with major changes that are out of our control. Sometimes we initiate change. However, the hardest changes often are ones we have no control over, such as a diagnosis of cancer. One of the mothers was a low-income 37-year-old single mom of a teenage son.  She simply couldn’t believe she had cancer. The diagnosis tore up her story and she had a crisis of faith. She became very enraged and thought, “Why me?”

Over time, as she got her chemo and saw other people—especially young children—undergoing treatment, she stopped feeling angry and sorry for herself. She realized that she hadn’t been singled out and started helping out in her community even while she was trying to work, raise her kid and deal with metastasized cancer. She had a dream of becoming a health coach, which she wasn’t able to do because her illness advanced.

The challenge opened up a sense of generosity and reconnection to other people and a larger sense of spiritual self for her. It shows the importance of restoring yourself and making a handmade life from what you have. No matter how bad it gets, you can give to others. Giving to others helped her to focus on gratefulness rather than what was missing in her life.

Zoë: Do you have any advice for readers who are considering life coaching to deal with loss and grief? What can they expect? What should they prepare for?

Linda: Certified professional life coaches — unless they are specially trained or licensed — generally do not work with people who have experienced traumatic shock, are in crisis, or are still going through the early stages of bereavement or grief. In these instances, people would best be served by a psychotherapist, bereavement counselor or support group specific for bereavement or traumatic loss. Any ethical coach will do an initial assessment on the phone and refer out if the fit isn’t right, which is what I do.

Credit: pinterest.com

Life coaches work with relatively well-functioning individuals who may be going through challenging life changes or who want to make a positive life change but are not dealing with mental illness, serious substance problems or trauma. The coach assesses whether a person needs a therapist or coach during the initial assessment. The first conversation is all about exploring whether it’s a good fit. You want to make sure the person is right for you.

Prepare to go with an open mind and see how you feel with the person. Listen to your body. Be attuned to yourself and protect yourself. People need support going through their issues first in order to be able to go through life planning.

Zoë: Lastly, do you have any tips to share with our readers who may be going through a life transition? 

Linda: Yes. I have four tips that I think can be of benefit to anyone who is dealing with life changes and working with a life coach.

1. CONNECT TO YOURSELF
Knowing who you are and what you want is half the battle. Finding an internal anchor and compass will keep you centered, confident and less reactive while moving through turbulent seas. Coaching helps you slow down, turn inwards and connect with your sources of aliveness, authenticity and strength. From this place of inner clarity, you can allow your deep knowing to guide you in making wise, life-affirming choices for your next chapter, as well as effectively work with the inevitable obstacles that occur along the way.

2. CONNECT TO THE PRESENT MOMENT
Rather than clinging to what is gone or forcing the future, accept what’s real in the present. Accepting ourselves and the truth of our situation paves the way to change. Coaching offers effective tools and practices to help you harvest the past for clues to aliveness, purpose and meaning; envision a positive future and cultivate the ability to be more present in the moment, which is the only place we’re truly alive.

3. CONNECT TO OTHERS
Especially during transitional times, we need witnessing, support and acceptance– whether from family, friends, a spiritual leader, a life coach or therapist; we need a community of fellow travelers. The coaching relationship offers a safe place to be real and try out different ideas, behaviors and ways of being with a compassionate, nonjudgmental person acting as witness, guide, supporter and cheerleader. Working with a coach also helps you create and connect with a network of trusted people to support the changes you are trying to make.

4. CONNECT TO SOMETHING LARGER THAN YOURSELF
Whether you call it God, nature, the life force, higher power, mystery or greater good, seeing the big picture and getting perspective on your situation can open up positive opportunities for healing, growth and transformation. Coaching can guide you through the expected stages and tasks of renewal, normalizing what feels chaotic and reframing even difficult change as a path toward creative and purposeful living.

Zoë: Thank you so much for speaking with us!

Linda: Thank you. I really appreciate it!