What Are Death Cafés?

Today SevenPonds speaks with Lizzy Miles. Lizzy works at a hospice center in Columbus, Ohio, and was the first person to host a Death Café in the United States in 2012. The Death Café movement was originally championed by Jon Underwood of the United Kingdom (who unfortunately died suddenly last summer) based on the idea originally conceived by Bernard Crettaz.

Editors’ Note: This interview has been edited for length and readability.              

Lucas Morgan: Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me, Lizzy!

Lizzy Miles: My pleasure.

Lucas: First things first: What is a Death Café?

Lizzy: A Death Café is a pop-up event where people get together to talk about death and have tea, coffee and cake. It is not an educational session, a marketing event or movie night. A Death Café is also not a grief support group. It’s simply an open discussion that is attendee driven.

Credit: Lizzy Miles

Lucas: Is “Death Café” an organization?

Lizzy: No it is not. The Death Café idea was started by Jon Underwood in the United Kingdom. He read an article about Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz, who had held similar events in France. Jon already had a website devoted to the topic of death and dying and renamed his website Death Café. His first Death Café was in the basement of his house with six attendees. His mom was facilitating. At the end, one of the attendees said, “Wow, this was a really great conversation; let’s do it again.”

After his fifth or sixth event, Jon thought, “Well, I think other people might like to do this.”

He then published guidelines for anyone who wanted to host one. Anyone can host, and everyone who hosts is doing it in their free time. So we’re not employees, affiliates or anything like that. It’s all volunteer-based.

Lucas: What is your role with the Death Café movement? How are you involved exactly?

Lizzy: I was the first one to take Jon up on his offer to host back in July 2012. I brought the concept to the United States and was the first person to host a Death Café outside of the United Kingdom. I’ve mentored dozens, if not hundreds of other hosts. I’ve done a lot of media about it, and that led to more people wanting to host them.

Lucas: Where do you host Death Cafés?

Lizzy: When I first started, I approached a few different places and they all turned me down. They looked at me kind of sideways, like, “Why would anyone want to get together to talk about death?”

I eventually went into a Panera that had a community room, and it just so happened that the district manager was there. It turned out she had recently lost a loved one, and so she thought it was a good idea.

I’ve hosted at Panera, funeral homes and libraries, among other locations. Some people have them at churches, houses, classrooms, universities, etc. So it’s really any place that’s open and accessible to the public.

Lucas: Why did you decide to start hosting Death Cafés in the United States? Why do you think they are so important?

Lizzy: Since I work in hospice, I see lots of people that are in shock that their loved one is going to die, and in a bit of denial. My initial intention was to host these events to help people become more comfortable talking about death.

I quickly learned, however, that the only people who came to the events were already comfortable talking about death and dying. So it didn’t fix anything. But it met a need that was there. There are plenty of people out there who want to talk about death, but it didn’t “change the world” like I’d hoped it might!

Lucas: In your experience, have people who weren’t previously comfortable talking about death come to a Death Café and been “changed,” for lack of a better term?

Lizzy: No, not really. If someone doesn’t want to talk about death, they are not going to go anywhere near a Death Café. I have good friends who’ve never been to a Death Café even though I was the host. I don’t think a person who didn’t want to talk about death could even be dragged to discuss it.

That being said, there were a few Death Cafés I hosted in classrooms where students, who didn’t really have a choice about attending, came around afterwards and said they had become more comfortable talking about death. But these were students who were taking classes in palliative nursing, so it was related.

Lucas: When I first heard about Death Cafés I thought they would be, not exactly group therapy sessions, but maybe get-togethers for people who were grieving to talk about their experiences. But that’s not really what they are?

Lizzy: No, not in my experience. I think if the host does their job well in how they market the event and promote it and explicitly say, “This is not a grief group,” people would not come with that expectation.

A lot of people that come to the events have lost someone, but a majority of the people who’re interested are contemplating their own mortality. Rather than focusing on the people that have left us, it’s more like, “Now I know death is real, what does that mean for me?”

Lucas: What kinds of topics are discussed at the Cafés?

Lizzy: It really varies greatly and each Café is pretty different. The attendees decide what they want to talk about. At my events I rotate tables, so people are constantly mixing with different people. Sometimes the conversations might get existential and are serious, but they can also be campy and funny.

One time a group was talking about how people in different cities respect funeral processions and ambulances. Another group talked about people who take photos at funerals and how it bothers the other family members. It’s not always a serious conversation.

Credit: Lizzy Miles

Lucas: What’s the role of a host? Do you host a regularly occurring Death Café?

Lizzy: The “event,” as it were, is supposed to be like a coffee shop conversation. When you go out with your friends and hang out at a coffee shop, you don’t have someone there directing the conversation. So we’re not active facilitators guiding the conversation or asking, “What do you think about that?” That’s not what it’s supposed to be. Some hosts do do that, and we don’t have a “rule” against it, but that kind of goes against the philosophy.

I don’t host a regular one anymore. I did in the beginning. I’ve hosted over 30 of them. I’m down to two or three times a year now.

Lucas: I know discussion topics vary greatly, but is there a typical format to a Death Café? How do you begin the Death Cafés you host?

Lizzy: The instructions I initially received from Jon Underwood were half a page long. And it was basically, “Have tea, have cake, talk about death.” That was the extent of the guidance. That being said, at my Death Cafés I do an introduction and tell people a bit about the history. I tell them that we respect everyone’s point of view, and that we’re not there to change anyone’s mind.

I mention that I learned about it from a blog, so everyone is free to write about their experience, but not to tell other peoples’ stories. I’ll tell them that there are no breaks, just go when you need to, and tell them what to expect. Most times I will split the group into smaller tables. Then I’ll tell everyone to mention to the others at their table why they came out to the Café. Why did you come out on a rainy Saturday morning? What brought you here? After the initial ice-breaker, people will generally talk and talk.

Lucas: How do people find out about Death Cafés?

Lizzy: If Death Café is new to a city, a lot of times it will end up in the local paper. Many people use community word of mouth, friends of friends, a lot of folks have Facebook pages, social media, etc. Some hosts use Meetup, which I don’t really endorse because a lot of people don’t have Meetup, so you’re limiting your audience.

Lucas: Do people sign up to attend a Death Café? Or can anyone just show up?

Lizzy: This again depends on the host. It’s mainly about your comfort level with uncertainty. For me, I don’t require RSVPs. And it can be crazy, because I don’t know until the event starts how many people will come. I did do RSVPs in the beginning, but found that a bunch of people would cancel or wouldn’t show up, and it was pointless. It’s hard to plan ahead for that kind of stuff.

Check back next week as we conclude our conversation with Lizzy Miles about Death Cafés, their impact, and things she’s learned along the way.