Will You Have Regrets About Your Life?

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I was watching the Oscar-winning film “The Shape of Water” last night when I noticed the main character Elisa’s, up-in-age friend Giles, noted a few regrets about his life. One of them is that, he wished he’d had more sex (Well, it was actually the F word).

It got me thinking about my friend Lana. She recently confessed to me she had a fling years ago with her now very good friend, Jason. At the time Jason was living with his lover, Sara. Now, years later, all three of them live separately and are great friends.

Lana and Jason have made it a point to never talk about their fling for fear that Sara would find out and be hurt, even though it was years ago. So when she told me about it, it dawned on me the fling was a lose-lose proposition. On one hand, they live in fear that the truth could possibly come out and hurt someone else and are forced to hide their dark secret. On the other hand, if they confessed, it would inevitably cause Sara emotional pain, something they would have to live with their whole lives. Obviously, neither of them had considered possible regrets down the road when they had their affair.

I wonder how people make such decisions – all in the name of sex? Uncomplicated sex is one thing (the fun kind with no strings on either side that Giles was imagining). But in real life, it often comes with emotions involved. Someone, or often everyone, gets hurt. Plus, decisions like that only add to the possible list of regrets we confront as we age. Have you noticed lately that a lot has been written about regrets at the bedside? Well, what about regrets long before you’re actively dying?

Of all the many things I have learned in my years of creating SevenPonds, I would say the most important has been Erikson’s Theory. It outlines the developmental stages of one’s life from birth to death. The stage I find most interesting is the last one: Integrity vs. Despair. It arrives around age 65, but it’s not about death or dying, it’s about the years approaching death as the final part of life. About assessing what kind of a life you lived. Is it one of integrity that you are content with? Or is it one filled with regrets?

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Did you live the life you wanted? Or did you make a living doing something to make your mother or father happy and not yourself? Did you live your life to make your wife or husband happy? Did you achieve the goals you wanted to achieve? We all live an imperfect life, and everyone has regrets. But how much will your regrets weigh on your life when summed up?

Often we make decisions in our lives thinking they are no big deal, and that the pleasure of the moment is worth it. Then as we age, we confront the issue of integrity vs. despair, and wham-o, we are living with the regrets in a way we never anticipated.

It seems life offers us two paths, integrity or despair. Obviously, life is not that simple. But in the case of decisions like Lana’s and Jason’s, there was the path clearly labeled “integrity” and the other path clearly labeled “despair.” Some choices are easier to make than we are willing to admit. Watching people go through their laundry list of regrets as they age is not something I aspire to. Sadly, I have witnessed it more than once.

Let’s face it, we all know we only have so much control in ours lives — so why intentionally muck up what we do have control over? Ask yourself: Do you want to spend your golden years mired with regrets? Life is all about the journey. So looking at the road ahead and considering your full trip can make a world of difference at the end stage of your life. Integrity is more than a good word, it’s a good road map.