Sharing Grief During the Holidays

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The holidays come with a host of expectations. Perhaps the most ubiquitous of these is the feeling that we must put a smile on our faces no matter how we feel. This “forced cheer” can be difficult for anyone under any circumstances. After all, life doesn’t stop throwing you curve balls because the holidays arrive. But for people who have recently (or even not so recently) lost a loved one, it can be unbearably hard.

Grief is particularly difficult during the holidays, explains Rev. Jeannie Douglas, interim pastor at the First Congregational United Church of Christ in Appleton, Wisconsin, in an interview with NBC news. Grieving people “see all this joy going on, and they feel this grief and sorrow in their hearts,” she says. “And so, they don’t know how to cope with that.”

Rev. Douglas recently hosted a “Blue Christmas” service at her church to help her grieving parishioners deal with their sadness this holiday season. Her goal was to give the bereaved a place to come together and express their grief without feeling as if they were upsetting everyone else. For people like Dave Frederick, who recently lost his mother, it was a welcome relief.

“Grief shared is grief abated,” he said. “We can lean on each other, which really is the true meaning of Christmas.”

And, of course, he’s right. In Western society, the holidays have become synonymous with presents, celebration and good cheer. And the image of a smiling family surrounded by mounds of beautifully wrapped gifts is difficult to escape. Yet, when we look into our hearts, we know that this picture-postcard-perfect Christmas is, for the most part, a fantasy.

Yes, the holidays can be wonderful. But they are wonderful only when we allow ourselves to share what’s in our hearts.

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If you are grieving the loss of a loved one this holiday season, please don’t hide how you feel. The people who truly love you already know that you’re hurting. What’s more, sharing your sadness with those around you is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength.  

As Brene Brown writes in her book, “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead,” “The level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.” No one can show you the love you deserve if you don’t show them who you are.

So open your heart, and let the true spirit of the holidays shine through.