Finding Words

Credit: Emily McDowell Studio

Hallmark cards are there for the saccharine sweet moments in life, but how do you send a card to someone you know who is dying? Send one of Emily McDowell’s emotionally rich Empathy Cards.

Being on either side of a terminal or serious illness is no easy business. When someone you know and love is going through the tremendous roller-coaster of emotions — to say nothing of the physical pain and turmoil — figuring out how to empathically show up and be there for them can be difficult terrain to negotiate.

Credit: Emily McDowell Studio

Often we fear saying the wrong thing, or simply don’t know what to say. The discomfort of knowing how to step into and with vulnerability can be paralyzing to the point of becoming hurtful to someone who is experiencing illness. This is a time when they need love and support, and just showing up is enough.

But how do you show up?

McDowell drew on her own experience with cancer as inspiration for this series, as she felt the pain and confusion of friends and family distancing themselves from her out of discomfort at not knowing what to say.

McDowell saw the need for tender, authentic and tangible expressions of support, and these beautiful, witty cards are the result of her navigating those emotional waters.

The title of this card series says a lot. As Brené Brown has so cogently expressed, there is a world of difference between sympathy and empathy, and that difference is what connects us to each other as we figure out how to sit with another person’s suffering.

Credit: Emily McDowell Studio

To sit with someone’s pain and discomfort, you have to lean into your own vulnerability so you can authentically hold space for them.

Credit: Emily McDowell Studio

Sitting with your own vulnerability — and allowing another person space to feel their own — is a complex undertaking. McDowell’s cards cut through the complexity, linguistically framing empathic support.

These cards are potent on both sides of the equation; they beautifully capture the complexity of the space between the giver and receiver.

The handwritten text and sweet, simple illustrations that frame them are straightforward, textured and speak to intimacy.

They also serve as public service reminders; they remind those of us in the meshed support network of someone who is going through a difficult passage in his or her life, or is facing the end of his or her life, how to show up even when (and especially because) there aren’t always words. In that space and with these cards, a gesture toward words provides comfort.