Our Monthly Tip: Create an Annual Ritual to Celebrate the Birthday of Your Child Who Died

Our Tip of the Month

The loss of a child is a uniquely devastating experience which often leaves parents feeling isolated in their grief. One way to cut through that feeling of isolation is to invite friends and loved ones to honor the child’s birthday in an annual ritual. 

This may not be the right method for everyone. For people whose grief is too fresh, throwing a party for a child who isn’t there could be particularly harrowing if it only serves as a reminder of all the things the child won’t get to celebrate in life. But for some, it can be immensely comforting to talk about the person, because it helps them feel closer to their loved one. A celebration of the day of their birth recognizes the child and their time on earth, as well as the passage of time since their death. 

How-To Suggestions

Throwing a party for a child who has died will look different for everyone. Some people choose to celebrate as if it were a normal birthday party; you can bake or buy a cake, decorate your home with balloons and streamers, and make party treats to share with friends and family. It might be helpful to symbolize the child who cannot attend by tying a balloon to an empty chair and seating it in a place of honor. 

Place photographs around the room showing treasured memories and important milestones, so people can share their own recollections of the child who died; reminiscing together can help people feel less alone in their grief. Encourage people to say the child’s name as many times as possible, so it feels like you’ve brought them into the present. Share stories of your child, and ask that others be prepared to do the same.

In a personal example, my cousin Stephen died at the age of 21 from cancer. He had been born on Halloween, and had loved to help his mom decorate for the holiday in extravagant, outlandish ways every year. After his death, his mom chose to continue this tradition, but invited his friends to take his place strewing faux spider webs all over the porch. It became a new Halloween ritual, putting up decorations while laughing and sharing stories about the unique individual Stephen had been. His family and friends have expressed how invaluable this “party” has been to them, because it has helped them process their grief immeasurably. They would have been thinking about him on Halloween anyway; this way, they get to all do it together.